Sunday, November 23, 2014

What now?

Where do i put the hope when how is gone?  The dreams the desires?  The baby names and nursery designs? The family traditions uncreated?  How do I stop wanting to know the feeling of a child of a God growing inside is me, the kicks and hiccups?  Where do I put all this?  How do you stop wanting a biological baby?  How do you start wanting someone else's?

How do you realize it is not your fault your body doesn't work?  

How?
Why?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

article I found that I totally relate to

“tired of being sensitive to my infertile friend”

This was an actual search that brought someone to my blog. Sadly, it wasn’t the only one along that theme. It makes my blood boil! Oh, boo hoo, you’re tired of exercising sensitivity toward your friend? Your friend? Well, let me tell you some things your friend is probably tired of:

She’s tired of hoping and praying, month after month, that this month will be, by some miracle, THE MONTHShe’s tired of her body letting her down, month after month.She’s tired of feeling broken.She’s tired of crying herself to sleep.She’s tired of invasive and painful tests.She’s tired of medications that make her ovaries work overtime and take her on an emotional roller coaster ride, month after month (not to mention all the fun side effects, like nausea, fatigue, sleeplessness, hot flashes, night sweats, and headaches)She’s tired of watching her savings account being drained to pay for treatments that may or may not work.She’s tired of putting on a happy face and holding back tears every time she hears a pregnancy announcement, attends a baby shower, or gets trapped in a conversation about kids.She’s tired of hearing her fertile friends complain about their kids.She’s tired of fighting with her husband and worrying that the stress of infertility might be too much for their marriage.She’s tired of all the mommy worship that goes on constantly in our society.She’s tired of feeling like less of a woman because she can’t have a baby.She’s tired of scheduling her life around fertility treatments.She’s tired of all the questions and comments about her empty arms and empty uterus.She’s tired of seeing abusive or drug-addicted women have baby after baby.She’s tired of being unhappy.She’s tired of wondering how she’s going to live her life without children.(Feel free to comment below if I left anything out.)

Oh, I know it’s exhausting to make an effort to hold your tongue about your growing baby bump, or your adorable-but-what-a-handful little bundle of joy. How awful it must be that you can’t complain to your infertile friend about how tired your kids make you, how messy they are, or how you wish you had just 5 minutes to yourself. It must suck to have a friend to whom you cannot rave about how awesome it is to be a mom, or how you can’t imagine your life without your kids.

Think about this: You have one friend who requires a little sensitivity when it comes to pregnancy and kids. Your friend has to deal with dozens of friends, family members, and coworkers who can’t seem to talk about anything other than kids. So, while I’m sure you’re sick and tired of walking on eggshells around her, believe me, your friend is even more sick and tired of the pain–physical and emotional–that infertility inflicts upon her every day. Remember, this is in addition to all the other stress life throws at all of us: work, relationships, paying the bills. Your friend deserves sensitivity, especially from her friend, when it comes to her infertility. That’s what friends do.

Your infertile friend probably feels like a terrible friend, because her life is so wrapped up in all things infertility that she doesn’t always have the time or energy to give her friends the support they need, or even enjoy a night out with them. Trust me; I know. I often have to make an effort to be completely present when listening to a friend. Some days, I just can’t do it, and it makes me feel extremely guilty, even though my friends understand.

I’m not saying that you should give your infertile friend a permanent pass. At some point, any friend who only takes and does not give is not much of a friend at all. But, if you love your friend and value your friendship, you will cut her some slack and help her heal so that she can feel like a whole person again.




Tuesday, July 22, 2014

YouCaring Updates

Posted on 07/11/2014 by Organizer David and Keri Langner
Philippians 4:19And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
God, is always faithful. That is why we should always be trusting Him as our supply! It’s a God thing no other words for our true blessings in the financial need that was meet in order for to proceed in to this world of in vitro fertilization.  We are $267 dollars away from our original goal and wow who would have thought in 59 days that would have ever happened.
Guys we are 3 days away from our 1st appointment for our 1st round of in vitro.  It will be an appointment for David and I to get blood work for hepatitis B and C, HIV. We will meet with our wonderful fertility nurse Tara she will explain what we can maybe expect in our upcoming treatment cycle, including any specific treatments, injection techniques and medications we will start.  I'm excited more than nervous.  I'm ready to get the ball rolling.  What a blessing this process has been
Everyone that has given to us, bought speakers, helped with our yard sale and all the embroidery orders I have had and I still continue to get, you all are on rock star status in our book.  You are a true blessing to David and I.  I know the prayers and support for the upcoming procedure has been 10x the dollar amount.  My prayer is that God knows the desire of my heart but that his will be done.  I just hope that God and I can be on the same page on this one.  J

Thank you again and I will update soon following my appointment! Prayers of Baby Dust and Health!!  Smiles and Tears is all I have today.  **Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations!


Posted on 05/30/2014 by Organizer David and Keri Langner
So many emotions…  Perhaps the high of it all is starting to come off and we are in the work like no other now, so we can live like no other later stage of the game.  I’ve had some negative people throw things my way about how they don’t believe in what we are doing.  I respect their option but until you have walked a mile in our shoes just keep it to yourself.  I would like to so gratefully thank soo many people to many to list.  All of it has been simply amazing.  Thank you so much.
I have scheduled my next Doctors appointment with my fertility office for June 17th.  We are beginning the  new cycle of treatment.  We will discuss medicine and scheduling.  Keep us in your prayers as you all are on our list of Thank you God!  Please pray that we will be successful. Please pray that we will get a chance to experience biological parenthood.

We have been praying for so long now. God has not seen fit to answer our prayers.  We sincerely believe that your collective prayers will help us achieve our dreams

Posted on 05/20/2014 by Organizer David and Keri Langner
My only authority is that I am the throws of it all. I know the heartache, the pain, the shame, the feeling of constant questions and no good answers, pretending its ok in front of your friends and crying in front of the mirror. I know what it’s like to be in the throes of it all when you run into your ex with his obviously pregnant wife\girlfriend. I have talked to the doctors. I have Googled every related topic; asked friends and experts; and spent countless hours on BabyCenter.com. I have been covered in whelps from shots in my tummy and bottom. I have been covered in zits from the unbelievable amount of hormones they put inside of me. I have carefully placed a pillow under my hiney after sex “just in case.” I ate bags of spinach after hearing that it helped somehow. I purchased boxers for my husband (instead of briefs) so that his “boys” could breathe. I prayed. I yelled. I sat in a bubble bath crying. I have been there. I have looked back on my past and wondered if I was getting what I deserved from a less than perfect life; if this was my price to pay for all the bad things I’d done before. I wondered if maybe I hadn’t suffered enough to this point, so this was my cross to bear. I questioned whether or not this was some kind of clue that I wouldn’t make a good mother, so I’d never get the chance. I know what it feels like for every drunken cheerleader to get pregnant and to ask the question “why not me?”!
 I love all the response to us and our situation.  I have amazing loving family, friends, and strangers alike.  Old friends who have found me in my pits who lifted me up with their hope story, friends who find other ways to connect and strangers who offer to help us in any way they can because they have been in or are in our shoes.  It’s such a blessing.  It’s all my prayer is that this will somehow be a comfort for you. We may have never met, but our shared circumstance makes you a good friend of mine.
I am not going to give up.
I desire to have a family.  This means that I can, in some way, have a family. It may be one of the thousands of medical options that get you there. It may be adoption. It may be a miracle. And I will have the exact family that God wants us to have.
Thanks for your continued blessing of financial, emotional, or prayer support we truly appreciate it.  We have a few more fundraisers coming down the pipe line to look out for.  At this time we are almost 1\2 halfway to our financial goal of $8500 for our 1stround of IVF.   Hopefully once we get a little further we can go ahead and schedule something to get the ball moving forward.  Thanks again!
____________________________________________________________________________________
Current Fundraisers outside our donor page. 
Abrewer Photography – Mommy and Me or Daddy and Me sessions ($25 setting fee goes to our fund)
JamBerry Nails- Leslie Whitney is donating all her proceeds from my party to the our fund.
Lauren Todd- Will be giving away a photo session to a donor
A new friend is making little girls hair bows and selling them via Lauren Todd’s facebook page.  (We will receive the entire fund from that sale)
 -My embroidery is an everyday project
-My mom is working on paint party
-Selling really cool vibration speakers personalized with a name or monogram


Posted on 05/15/2014 by Organizer David and Keri Langner
 
Wow... how do we even start to show our apprication?  The giving to us for the treatment in the past 24 hours has been utterly unbelievable.  This kind of stuff is hard and requires us to swallow a little pride.  The comments that everyone is putting on Facebook when they share our site are so amazing and encouraging to read.   Someone wrote that it was her chance to play "fairy godmother" i loved that.  I hope more than anything we can raise the money so that we can share with our little person the love that has been given to us.  What an awesome feeling know that a whole community of people is coming together to bring life into the world.  :)
Thanks again.  Blessings to you all!  
Keri

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

My infertility Story

Let's start wiiiiiiith...Once upon a time...I got married.

September 3rd, 2010 to be exact, a sweet outside wedding in New Harmony, Indiana with 50 of our closest friends and family. My husband and I started dating around September 3, 2006, engaged July 4th 2007 (on the beach) and... married 2 years, 5 months later. Why, because I am a planner! We bought our first home in December 2011 (4 bedrooms), picture perfect family home.  I started my Master’s program in January 2012.  In May 2012 we decided to start trying to have a baby. I would graduate in May 2013 and we thought it might take a few months and I would be having baby right after I graduated.  Oh, how naive and idealistic I was. Anyway, meet with my OB in February and told her that we had been trying unsuccessfully for 9 months and she put me on clomid.  She said she really did not think we had anything to worry about. We could run some blood tests but did not feel it was a major issue. Okidokes. You're the doc, I will go with that. In July 2013 I had a follow up appointment with her since nothing had yet happened and I was then referred to go to an infertility specialist Dr. Gentry, he is board certified in obstetrics and gynecology as well as reproductive endocrinology and infertility.  Our OB told us that we were perfect candidate for a quick IUI (Intrauterine insemination) and was very positive we would be back soon for prenatal care.



Well…. After 3 rounds of IUI’s with daily follistim shots or Gonal-f shots, Femara pills, Crinone (yuck), monthly HCG trigger shot (the first one is a story of its own) and 2 ultrasounds per round to look for follicles, nothing.  Nothing but a BFN, another strike out at bat, and more money down the drain (lots of money we don’t have). After several test a hysterosalpingogram test, Day 3 testing, semen analysis, HCG beta test and Laparoscopy\Hysteroscopy Surgery, nothing.  Nothing, no answers to why it’s not our turn and nothing but a BFN.


I always thought my story would be a simple one, I would put babies, in my planned out life, in those 3 extra bedrooms I stare at every day. The months came and went and no good news ever came with them and no real answers of why. We did everything we could until finally, we were faced with the reality that IVF was next hope.



That day was devastating for me. I cried and mourned the loss of conceiving a child the way we always dreamed we would. It's often hard for most people to understand, but there is such loss there. I guess I always hoped one day I would realize I was "late" and pee on a stick and plan some sneaky cute way to surprise my husband with the good news that he was going to be a daddy. The "how I found out" story among new moms is a lot like the "how he proposed" story among new brides, It was crushing to know that my body couldn't do something I had always just assumed it would (or did I always know it wouldn’t). I couldn't believe I was really here, really in this place. We were at the end of the line in options to having a biological child.



IVF is the next chapter of our story.  Strike out or a homerun.  Sure, there were blood draws, ultrasounds and needles… lots and lots of needles. It certainly won’t be easy. But it feels like we are wandering blindly hoping for success. There are tangible progressions, follicle counts and hormone levels to hold on to. I still have a long journey ahead of me.  The hardest part is we are taped out on money.  The last surgery was $4000, the remaining of our savings.



This is where I break my silence.  I am not sure why we all think fertility treatments need to be kept a secret like I have a horrible disease.  But the thing is it feels like a disease, I didn’t choose to have it just like people don’t choose to have diabetes or cancer.  So why do we feel so ashamed.  I told my husband I could be the crazy lady in DC picketing for health care to have to pay for fertility treatments.  It’s a disease that needs to be treated medically and insurance should cover.  However at this time they don’t.    Dr.  Gentry is giving us the low-cost route but we are still looking at upwards to $10,000 for the 1st round and then $2000+ each round after that.



I have decided to start fundraising for my IVF treatments after encouragement from several friends.  I will be putting my embroidery machine to good use.  My mother will be back at the easel selling original beautiful artwork.  Not only am I hoping to raise the money for my treatments but I'm hoping to bring awareness to infertility and that we don’t have to be ashamed and we should ask for help.



My life group through my church and my co-workers has been my biggest advocates and prayer partners in this whole process.  I tell people all the time if I didn’t know God had already written my story and have a plan for my life this all might have driven me to insanity but I know God has it all written out and I just have to do the leg work.



Thanks and look for my upcoming fundraising events or if you have ideas send them my way.



Blessings.

*You can now donate online.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/ivf-in-hopes-for-baby-l/176063

Friday, October 25, 2013

Sew it begins...

I am now the owner of a Ellure Plus Baby Lock for for embroidering, sewing, and doing applique.  Ive had it for about 3 weeks now but haven't had an opportunity to take a class so i am a learn at your own pace kinda gal as of right now.  Here are some of the projects i have done.  ( I forgot to take a picture of a few) They aren't perfect but im having fun and learning.   I hope to after Christmas began taking orders and making a little side business out of it to get a little income off of it and hopefully pay for all the stuff i keep buying. 






Pumpkin onesies for Pressley

Beach Towel Lettering

For Pressley Jo McGlothlin 

Monogrammed Sweatshirt (KLB)


For Pressley ( J looks like a backwards G?)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Paint on the walls-




While i cant do anything in the bathroom and my upstairs is toar up i decided to put some paint on the walls in the spare room.  I also found this rug at a yard sale for $35.  I can live with that!

bathtub

Well we are at week 9 of this bathroom ordeal.  2 failed proflo tubs later, Ferguson's upgraded us.  We now have the Kohler Mariposa bathtub.  She is described as a beauty With her delicate curves and an hourglass shape, the Mariposa bath brings harmony to your bathroom's design. The slip-resistant bottom surface offers extra traction and safety. A tile flange helps protect the bathing area from water damage.


Either way she is installed and now just waiting for Nu-Look to return from their mission trip to Mexico to finish dry wall and get this party moving along.  Is it bad im kinda upset they left for a mission trip 9 weeks into this ordeal.  Also im getting a little nervous on how much this bathroom is going to cost above the quoted price.




Curious Little Stella Kat



Behind Bars
My only concern now is how well is this fiberglass tub is going to hold up.