Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Having a baby doesn’t stop the emotions that come with infertility

But being a mom now doesn’t change the fact that I still am, and forever will be infertile, and the pain of that truth will never go away. I used to think that infertility was like having a deadly illness  — it’s scary and you might not make it through to the other side, but if you do, you can put what happened behind you. The truth is that infertility is more like your shadow. You can forget about it for a while, but it’s always there, and sometimes it startles you when you’re not expecting it.

Seeing my so many women struggle with infertility and hearing there stories brings a rawness to it every time.  I get super upset knowing their pain.  Every story is different but the pain is still real and there.
When a well meaning stranger asks when I’m going to “try for a girl” and I smile and say something polite while knowing that trying for another baby would take thousands of dollars I don’t have. When a friend tells me how she’s planning the dates when she has sex so she can avoid having a baby around any major holidays, and I remember wanting a baby so badly that it wouldn’t matter what day it was born on, as long as it was born. Or when I hear about a baby being abused or mistreated and I want to smash things because I know there are so many couples who want to get pregnant but can’t that would never treat their own child like that.
I’ll always be grateful for my Eli, for being one of the lucky women who was able to overcome her infertility temporarily and experience pregnancy. But a part of me will always wonder what it must be like to simply have sex and get pregnant. Will I ever get to have baby #2?
RESOLVE, the non-profit National Infertility Association behind this movement is challenging people talk to their health care providers about fertility options, to speak to employers about  medical coverage for infertility medications and services and for those who have gone through or are dealing with infertility to share their stories.

Monday, February 22, 2016

and Baby Makes 3

An update from my busy life as a "NEW MOM".  Gosh that seems like a great thing to be able to say.   Our little Eli was born on November 17, 2015 at 37 weeks gestational.  I had developed high blood pressure at 35 weeks and Dr. Beickmans goal was to get me to 37 weeks and it worked out that way.  I was at work on a Monday and around 3 pm my Mom (whom I worked with) and a coworker suggested I go check my blood pressure because I was really red and appeared swollen so I ran to the pharmacy and sure enough my bp was spiked super high.  I called the doctor’s office and they suggested I head up to St. Mary’s OB Emergency Department with my hospital bags just in case.  I called David at work and he was in a meeting I left a message with his coworker Trent who said “are you in labor?” I told him no but to have David call me as soon as possible.  I  headed to the little blue farm house and grabbed my bags and had to pack David a bag as he hadn’t done so yet and while I waited nervously I started making padicicles  as seen on Pinterest. LOL!  David called back and I had him head home and he came in gathered him school backpack and I drove us to Evansville so that David could complete an assignment.

We got to Evansville right around 5pm.  They hooked me up to a heart rate cuff and a fetal monitor to measure contractions.  My bp was still elevated and I was having contractions and I wasn’t aware of it.  They 1st decided I needed to stay overnight to do a 24 hour urine protein analysis.  This was changed to induction of pregnancy quickly when Dr. Beickman was called and he found out my bp and I was having contractions.    Getting moved into the OB delivery room was an out of body experience of nerves and excitement.  I didn’t know what to expect and I can remember standing in the bathroom changing into the gown thinking this is it.  It will never be just David and I.  I'm about to BIRTH a child.  I was slightly freaking out.  I walked out of the bathroom and over to David and we prayed for us, for ME, for Baby Eli.  In walked the nurse and she said let’s get you hooked up.  They started an IV and hooked me back up to the fetal monitor to measure contractions and once again my contractions where about every 4 minutes.  Crazy since I didn’t feel them.   They told us to get some sleep that they would give me Cervidil vaginal at midnight to soften my cervixes.  Well we didn’t sleep a wink and at midnight she came in and I was already like 80% effaced and 3 centimeters dilated and didn’t even know it.  She gave me the cervidil and then gave me an Ambien to help me sleep and said she would be back at 8am.  Well…. @ 2:45 my water broke and at 5am I got an epidural that only took on half of my body.  We kept asking the anesthesiologist if we should redo it and by the time he decided we should it was too late.  We were prepped and ready to have a baby @ 6:45am waiting for the on call doctor to arrive.  4 contractions later @ 7:09 Eli Barnes Langner was in my arms.  Perfect! 6lbs 11.2oz and 20inches long.  David and I sat staring at him for the longest time.  He was perfect and worth everything the last 3 years had put us through.  We call my parents who arrived about an hour later and we all were in complete love with him. He was beautiful.   Once the epidural wore off & I was able to get up and use the restroom they moved me to the mother\baby rooms.  The ride there in the wheelchair was the worst pain of the whole experience.   I was super pissed and hurting by the time we got there.  We started breastfeeding once we got there and he was doing ok.   We tried to get some rest and family and friends (Kyle and Kelley) came to visit.  They noticed Eli wasn’t keeping his body temperature up and they brought him a warmer and he laid in it and loved it.  Lactation was coming and helping me with nursing and I thought everything was ok.  They did him newborn blood screening and found out he had jaundice as many new babies do.  The day we were scheduled to go home they did his circumcision. However the hospitalist pediatrician felt that since he wasn’t keeping his temperature up, he was jaundice, and we were having a little trouble nursing that we should stay another night.   The next morning after we were moved to the worst room @ St. Mary’s hospital the hospitalist pediatrician arrived and told us Eli would be going to the NICU because he still wasn’t eating enough, his temp was low and his jaundice wasn’t getting any better. I broke down and cried which I hated because but I just wanted to take my baby home.  We were in nicu for 4 days and he improved each day.  Everyone there was wonderful and we worked with lactation on nursing.  It was a challenge being there back and forth from the parents room to feedings every 3 hours.  We wanted to take our little man home and love on him.  We wanted him well.  The doctors where the best.  Our family surrounded us with support and love.  My sister and oldest niece Kamryn arrived Sunday.  We were released from Nicu after 8 days in the hospital the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  We were so thankful to be headed home. 

The past 3 months have flown by and Eli continues to grow so much.  We are still nursing, mostly for comfort, and I pump.  He hasn’t had any formula since the early days in the hospital.  He is such a blessing to our family and I so thankful for every prayer, support, and funds we paid in order to get him here.   Eli is now starting to giggle and is sleeping 5-7 hour increments at night.  He is just perfect.   I love being Eli’s Mom!

Eli's Valentines Day Picture 2.14.16

a site I found that I liked.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Baby L Announcement

A little background may help as to why we went with the bicycle theme for our announcement...
And the pièce de résistance is that when David and I started dating seriously, David rode his bike from his Evansville Indiana to Louisville Kentucky to come see me.  The trip started off as a random idea to a fundraiser for a mission trip he and a few friends were going to take.
Then on our wedding day in New Harmony Indiana we stumbled upon an awesome tandem bicycle for a photo opt and quick ride around town.  If you haven’t tried riding a tandem bicycle with a wedding dress on well you’re just missing out and or don’t have the skills I do, ha-ha.  Now on vacation we always end up on a tandem bike even if it results in me getting slammed into a light pole. (Thanks David) It only felt fitting to make our baby announcement with a yellow tandem bike from our wedding to this vintage tricycle we borrowed from a friend.    Now we are headed in the same direction! 
Added a little message in there as a reminder of the love, prayer, and medical helped we are thankful for in creating this child!
So therein lies the story of the bicycle pregnancy announcement. We are so very excited!


So, here we are. Over three years later, and God has blessed us with this absolute miracle. WE ARE PREGNANT. We have prayed for so long. Looking back, I never would have thought that this would all be possible. I believed that we couldn’t have children. I had accepted that but continued with 3 iui’s and 3 ivf cycles.  But God said no to my doubts. He answered our prayer.

Just let that soak in for a minute.
He answered our prayer.
In His own way and in His own timing.

This season of life has felt long and tiresome. Looking back now, I see that this was for our learning and maturing. This forced us to rely fully on Christ Jesus, and to draw nigh unto Him. We’ve learned to be patient, to trust, to give it to God, to wait…and it has been worth it.

We have been praising God ever since we found out. He deserves the glory and honor for this answer to prayer. We are truly blessed with a miracle only He could do.

And although we’ve crossed a pregnancy threshold after hearing that heartbeat\seeing our baby and going into our 2nd trimester, I’m still cautious. Every cold I get, every time I have a cramp or anything, I panic and run to Dr. Google, which is hardly ever reassuring. After all the ups and downs of IVF, I don’t think that part of me will ever go away. But I also have an underlying layer of deep thankfulness and joy pointing the way forward. It's this that makes every shot, every pill, every setback, and all of the tears worth it. I want every woman out there going through infertility to know that I remember. I know how strong you are and what you're going through. I hope you are surrounded by love and support as you fight for your BFP. 

I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: I feel incredibly lucky for all of the love, prayers, encouragement, and tips I've received throughout my IVF process and pregnancy thus far. It's with this in mind that I want to keep the support going and pass it forward to all of the other parents, soon-to-be parents, and want-to-be parents out there.  God answered your prayers, too. How good is our God!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Baseline ivf round 3

I am stressed.  We have sold the house done the inspection and now waiting on the appraisal to come back and closing date.  We need to find a place to live until June, when we will know if we are staying or going to Louisville.   We need to find a place and pack up my adorable little house and all before we get to transfer my little embies back around March 18th.  Stella ' s birthday coincidence I think now. :)  anyway all I really want is a plan and healthy babies in my belly.  

Today we had our baseline ultrasound to check my lining and everything looks good to start stim on Mar. 2

Prayers for stress and baby dust.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Shot shot shot

Infertility ivf round 3

Tonight we started shot for round 3 of IVF. I'm excited and nervous I really want this to be the one . I know that there's a lot at stake but I really think that all the signs point to God saying 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

What now?

Where do i put the hope when how is gone?  The dreams the desires?  The baby names and nursery designs? The family traditions uncreated?  How do I stop wanting to know the feeling of a child of a God growing inside is me, the kicks and hiccups?  Where do I put all this?  How do you stop wanting a biological baby?  How do you start wanting someone else's?

How do you realize it is not your fault your body doesn't work?